Brankstome Chine

Yeah, I think that was the name of the beach I went to in Poole yesterday. If not, well, it was something pretty close to that. I spent the whole day pretty much sleeping on the beach. It was great. So relaxing.

The thing that struck me the most about beaches here in the UK is that your average Brit does not really know what the hell the beach culture is. In fact they're so bad at it that it's like looking at a beach populated soley by 'Vaalie's' or 'Gauties' (depending on when you were born). They wear Speedoes, use blow up devices like rings and Dolphins (even blow up rowing boats!),SMOTHER themselves in sunblock till white from head to toe... and they dig holes! EVERY-FUCKING-WHERE! Yes Adrian, they dig holes. Just like you, you beach alien! So here's how it should be done:

No1: No Speedoes. Ever. And no underwear either (we can tell the difference). If you're a bloke then you wear board shorts at the beach. If you're a chick under the age of 35 then you wear a bikini (unless you REALLY can't pull it off). If you're a chick over the age of 35 then you should wear a full piece bathing costume (unless you REALLy can still pull off the bikini thing).

No2. Skimmer boards, bodyboards, surfboards, powerkites... all these where designed for the beach. Blow up rings, Dolphins, Killer Whales, etc... these where all designed for use in swimming pools. Please use them as such. Footnote: If you're under the age of 5 then arm bands are permitted at the beach as a life preservation device.

No3. Sunblock. It works just as well if you rub it in. And contrary to what appears to be common belief you don't need to use the whole damn bottle in one application.

No4. Never dig holes, it makes you look like you don't 'belong'. Sandpits are for holes. Beaches are for touch rugby, powerkiting, volleyball, beach bats, etc. Please note the difference.

If you're at any stage not sure where or not you're following accepted beach procedure just ask the nearest board-short-wearing, beach-bat-holding, person not completely covered in white sunblock.