Can you even believe it? Squirrel Monkeys (thanks Adrian) would be a complement to these guys.

Our ref: SH/****/F
13 November 2003

Dear Mr Wilson

I write with regard to your email dated 12th November, concerning your mobile telephone.

I can confirm that I have spoken to the Mobile Phone Repair Centre and they have advised that they have not been able to find the fault with the handset. This does not mean that there is not a fault, only that the repair centre were unable to reproduce the perceived fault.

Regrettably, in light of the above information we are unable to replace the handset for you. We are happy to assist in the payment of the £11.75 requested, however, due to the length of time that the handset has been at the repair centre we are unable to raise a purchase order from here, as this will not reach the repair centre in time to have the handset returned. The handset, is due to be destroyed on Sunday 16th November.

If you would like the handset returned, please make this payment, we will then reimburse you the money. Unfortunately, if you are unable to make this payment before Sunday the handset will be disposed of and Phones 4u will not be held liable, as you have been made aware.

Although, we are unable to replace the handset, we would like to offer a further cheque for the sum of £43.75, this is for two months line rental and the £11.75 payment in order to compensate you for the length of time that the handset has been away.

If you would like to accept this offer, please contact our Customer Service Team on 0870 906 1830, within the next 14 days, otherwise I will consider this matter closed to your satisfaction and adjust our records accordingly.

Yours sincerely
For Phones 4u Ltd

Check back later for my reply (I have to get myself to the correct level of red misted, frothy mouthed fury before I can write to them).