Tonight's the night I share my wicked soul

I'm in such a strange strange place right now. 4 weeks ago I was ticking off the months that Nat and I had been together, celebrating small milestones in our relationship. Fast forward a bit and these days you'll find me ticking off the weeks since we broke up. These days it's not so much celebrating milestones as it is marking off the weeks until hopefully this pain starts to subside.

Most of the people that read this site also read Rockit, and in fact a number of you know both Nat and I. Sometimes I wonder what everyone is thinking. I have my suspicions and they pretty much all fall into the, "Ian you stupid #U@K1n@ idiot, what the hell have you done?" category. I can't blame you for that. Hell, half of me agrees with you. To be honest, these post-breakup days are almost surreal. They fall into a weird haze in my life, where for once I don't seem to be clear on anything.

Nat and I have spoken multiple times since that Saturday, sometimes on good terms, sometimes bad... pretty much always soaked in emotion. We balanced on a knife edge of getting back together before my innability to make a decision led to the decision making itself. It's pretty hard to write about, and yet for some reason it feels good to just get it out.

Anyone who's been through a breakup with someone they care about deeply will understand the compulsion to go back. Back to that person and back to that familiar space. And it's that which is at the heart of my indecision. I know that I miss her... more than pretty much any of you reading this will believe. I miss her for who she is and what we were together. My struggle is to answer one question: How much of this pain is due to being out of a familiar comfort zone?

If I could answer that question it would determine everything. Unfortunately emotion is a complicated thing and in my headspace right now all emotion is rolled up into one... one completely inseparable mess. The pain of being alone will pass with time, I know that, and only once that's passed will I know how much is left over. How much is down to actually being apart from Nat. At that point I'll know whether it was the right decision I made or not. It'll probably too late to make ammends, but hey, no one said life was always going to be a box of chocolates.

I'm finished now. I feel like this is an incomplete post in many respects. There's no closure and I hate not having closure. Maybe it's indicative of life at the moment. Maybe it's just because I'm tired and need to sleep now. Who knows. Not me.

Sleep tight.