Check out

One of my favourite advances of recent years is the addition of self-checkout tills at major shopping chains. There is very little, for me, quite as pleasing as finishing my shopping (which is usually only a single basket anyway), skipping the queues, and popping to the self-checkout till. Here I can scan, pack, and pay for my items all without having to wait like a spare wheel while someone performs the basic task of zapping the barcodes past the scanner for me.

However [you bastards] do not attempt to use the self checkout aisle before you have grasped the fundamental idea behind barcodes and how they work. And especially not if you happen to be the fucking muppet standing in the queue in front of me!

Yesterday I watched a complete wanker (who was in front of me in the queue!) waste 10 minutes struggling to scan half a basket of items before giving up, putting them all back into the basket and waddling off to the normal aisle - the one for stupid people. The electronic voice screaming at him to 'PLACE THE ITEM IN THE BAG' didn't even make a scratch on the impervious fortress of his ineptitude. Today I watched a woman look at the machine for 2 minutes, then scan an item, which she kept hold of until the electronic voice told her to put it in the damn bag. So she put it in the damn bag. And then scanned another item... without bagging it. Fuck sakes lady! 'PLEASE PUT THE ITEM IN THE BAG!' And so she did. And then scanned another one. WITHOUT PUTTING IT IN THE BAG! Fuuuuuuuuuuuuck!

Thankfully, just before I committed murder in Tesco, her 5 year old son pushed her out the way and proceeded to scan and bag the items in record time. Scan, bag. Scan, bag. Scan, bag. Thank fuck for small mercies.

Enough with the swearing now Ian.