IS THE GRAND PUMPKIN BACK?

I've long been a huge fan of The Smashing Pumpkins, Zwan, and pretty much everything musical Billy Corgan has ever leant his hand to. The Pumpkins have always occupied that pinnacle of being my favourite band of all time. A position which, in all honesty, will probably never be taken from them as I no longer submerge myself in world of artists to the extent that I used to.

To my delight it appears that Corgan is ready to reform the alternative rock powerhouse, although with what line-up barring himself and Jimmy Chamberlin I don't know.

In the meantime check out his solo album "The Future Embrace", released Tuesday.

Mental stabilty update

Just received an update from career application company. It was good news. Not only is my CV/education/experience/whatevertheyarelookingfor good enough for them, but it would seem that according to their questionaire my leadership skills are also up to the task. Then again the questionaire consisted of 120 questions along the line of... On a scale of 1-4 (with one being strongly agreee and 4 being strongly disagree) how much do you think the following statement reflects you? "Sometimes I can be a lazy bastard, and besides that I never finish what I start anyway, and I don't much like making decisions either... even small ones!"

My application now stands as such:

1) CV application PASSED
2) Personality/leadership questionaire PASSED
3) Assessment centre CONFIRMED FOR 8th JULY
4) Interview (possible: I'm not sure if the interview will be included on the assessment day)

So that's 2 hurdles down. *wipes forehead* Who knew stressing could be such hard work?

Work

Sometimes I think I put myself under too much pressure to perform career wise. Once upon a time I worked as a manager in the on-trade, managing a series of pubs and hotels across the south west of England and in London. I loved the work (in bars more than hotels). I got to work an hour before I had to, worked like a slave, partied like an animal... and loved pretty much every minute of it. While the work didn't pay alot it was counter balanced by the fact that I didn't have to pay rent, coucil tax, telephone rental, TV licence, water, electricity, gas, or for food even. My ENTIRE paycheck was expendable income. While I toyed with the idea of taking it on as a career, and was backed up by my superiors and customers, I ended up leaving the trade to follow a business path. At the time I guess I felt that I was one step away from what could end up being my top position within the brewery and I didn't feel that that was sufficient opportunity for me. There was also the problem of having to work many Friday and Saturday nights for what would have been the forseeable future.

After being in London for 6 months I was gifted the opportunity to apply for a graduate trainee position within a blue chip tobacco company. Following 2 months of applications, assessments, and interviews, I was finally successful in gaining the position. Along woth 20 others I was chosen from an initial pool of over 600 applicants and I was damn proud of it. And so followed a manic whirlwind tour of England, which saw me working in a new area every week from Cornwall to Manchester and pretty much everywhere in between. They were heady times and I believed I was settled in for the long haul with a company which could provide me with every career opportunity I could want.

Then as they say, the proverbial shit hit the proverbial fan... at proverbial pace. On the cusp of my 3 month probationary period I was forced to resign, along with a colleague, for ridiculously fabricated and transparent reasons. What the underlying reason for needing to shift 2 employees was I have no idea. No one at the company would give me an answer... but then again there weren't that many who would look me in the eye either. I met up with a senior colleague by chance a few weeks ago and when the subject came up all she would say was 'It wasn't right. It shouldn't have happened like that. None of us thought so.' Kind words, but sometimes even they're not enough.

Which brings me to the present. I am once again in the midst of those applications, assessments, and interviews. This time it's for a diffent blue chip company. They're the biggest in their field worldwide and fall into the top 5 biggest companies in the UK. If you've ever been to their head office then you'll recognise them from the picture. The opportunity the position presents is hard to describe. It's everything I want career wise right now... and I'm on very sensitive tender hooks while I wait for the application process to run it's course. The twist to the tale is that technically I work for them already. Confused? Don't be. I work for a third party agency on said companys' account and am now looking to essentially transfer in house with them. Whether this carries any extra weight I have no idea, but I hope it does.

So far this is how things stand:

1) CV application PASSED
2) Personality/leadership questionaire AWAITING RESULT
3) Assessment centre
4) Interview (possible: I'm not sure if the interview will be included on the assessment day)

I can't help feeling like the application is taking so much of my headspace right now that it's affecting Natalie too. My brow seems constantly furrowed as I mull over everything that has/is/might happen in the future depending on the outcome of this. And judging by the number of times she's asked me if I'm alright the last couple of days she's not oblivious to the fact that something is on my mind.

Gaining this position, while putting me squarely back on track career-wise, brings with it it's own series of hiccups. First and foremost amongst these is the fact that while there are multiple positions on offer with the company none of them fall into my area. At best result I will have to move toward Barking or Romford. Perhaps even Maidstone. That result dumps an extra load of issues on what is still a fledgling relationship, and while I'm not worried in the least that it will mean the end of Natalie and I, it does mean extra hassle. As always we've discussed this and there are contingency plans in place should the best happen.

But now I'm tired and I want to go to bed. I feel better for having written again. Watch this space and you could either emerge triumphant... or crash badly right along with me. What fun.

Dulce et Decorum est - Wilfred Owen

Adrian recently posted his favourite poem online. I was going to post mine as a comment on sevitzdotcom... but then realized it probably wouldn't work. So instead I'm posting it here.

Bent double, like old beggars under sacks,
Knock-kneed, coughing like hags, we cursed through sludge,
Till on the haunting flares we turned our backs,
And towards our distant rest began to trudge.
Men marched asleep. Many had lost their boots,
But limped on, blood-shod. All went lame, all blind;
Drunk with fatigue; deaf even to the hoots
Of gas-shells dropping softly behind.

Gas! Gas! Quick, boys! An ecstasy of fumbling,
Fitting the clumsy helmets just in time,
But someone still was yelling out and stumbling
And floundering like a man in fire or lime.
Dim through the misty panes and thick green light,
As under a green sea, I saw him drowning.
In all my dreams, before my helpless sight,
He plunges at me, guttering, choking, drowning.

If in some smothering dreams, you too could pace
Behind the wagon that we flung him in.
And watch the white eyes writhing in his face,
His hanging face, like a devil's sick of sin;
If you could hear, at every jolt, the blood
Come gargling from the froth-corrupted lungs,
Obscene as cancer, bitter as the cud
Of vile, incurable sores on innocent tongues,
My friend, you would not tell with such high zest
To children ardent for some desperate glory,
The old Lie: Dulce et decorum est
Pro patria mori.

For interests sake, 'dulce et decorum est, pro patria mori' translated from Latin means 'it is sweet and right to die for ones country'. This is probably the best known poem from the first world war, and although I'm not that keen on most war poetry and I'm not a big military enthusiast I like the poem for it's imagery and frankness. Owen cut through the crap and said it like it was.

Other news: The new mystery track is up for download. I think it's brilliant, but I've heard mixed reviews from others. Some people love it for what it brings to one of the most powerful songs ever written. Others brand it blasphemous. Let me know what you think.

It ended on an oily stage

For the last couple of months I've been completely disappointed in my ability to blog creatively on a regular occassion. Or at all really. Tonight I realized that while I spent all day meeting buyers and being intelligent, shrewd, and a bit of a liar (which is a prerequisite for being successful in my job)... most of the rest of you are sitting in your comfy chairs trawling the net, being inspired, and posting articles on your sites. The last thing I want to do after I get home (and sift through some figures) is be intelligent... or witty... or interesting even. This is the crux of my problem. When inspiration hits me I'm usually sitting in my car listening to the radio... or smiling like an idiot at an Asian shop owner with a rather tenuous grip of the English language.

While I'm about it, is anyone (besides G-unit) getting weird layout problems when viewing the site? I know that it's not quite perfect in IE yet, but it should be spot on in Fire Fox. Geoff is having problems viewing the site in Fire Fox on a machine running Windows 2000. I can't explain that. But I'll try fix it anyway.

Which is pretty much an accurate analogy for men in relationships. Usually we don't know what the hell we're doing wrong... but we apologise anyway.

His perspective

This post is partially in reaction to inspired by this post which appeared on Rockit.

I think Nat really got to the root when she said "Maybe my investment in this relationship is what's got my nesting reflex acting up. I need to let go a bit more, I guess. Gotta inject a little bit of singleton into this coupled-up body." This is something I've always vehemently believed in, and it's that I won't change who I am on a fundamental level because I'm in a relationship with someone.

Now don't all go get your backs up and think I'm an inconsiderate bastard because I refuse to take my partners' feelings into account. You'd be dead wrong there. I take her feelings into account in pretty much everything I do. There are however certain things which I don't believe need to be changed to maintain a happy relationship. Like for instance who I am when I go out. Ok yes, I spent an evening with a group of women I barely knew, and on paper that sounds terrible. But take into account the fact that I told them from the get-go that I wasn't available for any shenanigans, and the fact that I told Nat as soon as I got home (whilst slurring rather drunkenly), and you begin to see that in no way was there any surreptitious bahaviour going on.

I've always loved big mad nights out, and on too many occasions I've seen people close to me who enter relationships fading out of the scene and in many respects losing touch with people they once spent alot of time with. And while that's not really what my night out was about, it's the same principle which underlies it. I liked who I was when I was single and I want to remain that person. So when I have an opportunity to meet up with a mate for some drinks and my girlfriend doesn't feel like going out, well, I think it's alright for me to still go out. And if while out we're approached by some people who are up for a party, well I think it's alright for me to party with them. And I know that Nat isn't threatened by that, and I know that she trusts me, and in the end that's all that counts.

Part of why I do these things is rooted in two deep seated fears of mine. Number one, that somewhere out there one of my friends is having a fan-fucking-tastic party and I'm missing out on it. And number two, that somewhere out there one of my friends is saying 'Jeez... we hardly ever see Ian out anymore since he hooked up with Nat.' These are two conscious thoughts I have (on a regular occasion) which underly the way I choose to be in a relationship. It's something I think Natalie understands and I'm grateful for that. And you know what... I'd be completely fine with her going out and partying with a bunch of guys while I wasn't there.

But yes, of course it was a pretty hefty ego boost to have eye's made at me by a bunch of girls from across the bar. Funnily enough it's here that Nat and I really differ. She get's jealous when this happens to me, which is understandable. I on the other hand am happy and flattered when it happens to her. Maybe I'm just weird, but when another guy thinks my girlfriend is worth a snog... well hell... it just means waiting for her all this time was the right damn decision... because she IS worth a snog... and apparently I'm not the only one thinking it. The difference is, of course, that I'm the only bugger lucky enough to actually be doing it.

PS. Don't ask me for names... I haven't a clue. All I remember is 2x Yorkshire, 2x Canada, 1x Scotland.

New download

So what should my new mystery download be this week? Mmmm... decisions. I've got three tracks queued in Winamp that I'm trying to decide between. This week is a tricky one as the track I would ideally like to offer is proving rather difficult to acquire (by illegal means). The band is almost unknown and I only heard them by complete fluke on early moring radio. Having said that, the particular song I'm trying to get hold of is a cover of possibly one of the greatest and most heartfelt and moving songs ever written. You'll just have to wait to hear it.

I guess what I would like to do with this new feature on the site is offer some kind of fringe music. Stuff from new bands, obscure bands, or obscure stuff from well known bands. I don't think I would ever bother uploading something completely mainstream.

At the moment I'm trying to get an opinion poll script up and running for the music experience, but I've hit minor difficulties. What's new.

Other new is that I've got an application in for a position with a pretty massive pharma company... but that's a long story and everything is far to premature to get into it in any depth. All I've heard so far is that my application is looking good on paper, so we'll see. I should find out if my CV is good enough between now and the beginning of July.

Laters.

*wipes sweat from forehead*

For the first time in quite a while I'm getting excited about this space again. It feels good. Pouring through code and stylesheets I wrote over a year ago was a pain right in the arse and I had to consult Google on a number of occasions... but now it's done and I get to sit back and look at my creation. And it was good.

The new download section should be up and running (well it works on my laptop at least). The final bit of work to be done there is to remove the default click option, which streams the file through Quicktime in Fire Fox (yet to be tested in IE). That's the only reason for the instructions under the link at the moment. Streaming the file will, as far as what I've read has told me, put my http server under considerable strain.

The Flickr badge is set up perfectly for Fire Fox, which was predictable and easy to code for. As usual the same can't be said for Explorer, in which the photo frame still doesn't stretch to the edge of the page in 1400x1050 mode and doesn't degrade gracefully in lower resolutions either. These bugs will be ironed out in the near future. It shouldn't be too challenging.

*cough* Famous last words.

New

Sometimes I suprise myself... this is the first time I've actually bothered to work on my blog in like a year. You'll have to excuse the photo's for now as I only uploaded 10 randoms to fill out the flickr badge so I could see how big it would be. At some stage I will get around to taking some more pics and uploading them... my lovely partner often reminds me that I never take photo's any more.

I have another idea for the site, which will hopefully make it slightly more interactive, but it's also illegal. *shrugs* I don't think it's big enough to warrant anyones attention though so I'll probably still set it up. We'll see.

Anyways, I'm just happy that the site has had some work done on it. The worst thing about hardly ever working on your site is that you forget where all the alignment and positions are set from.

Anyways, no real news right now - I just thought the work deserved a post to complement it.